All Hope is Gone 071212: Richard Alexander Bailey - R I P - November 8, 1970 - July 12, 2012- 41 year old.
I like to think now that I was unable to understand the urgent ency of the need for me to get to see my mother and her grave this year. I was unable to do it. With the resources that I was able to use, there were no funds to go. I am so sorry Richard, I forgot how you were so young, and so helpless when we lost our mother. I was just talking last night to a cousin you never met, and I am so sorry the the life of my brother does not appear to be important to any one in the family. Nobody attempted to look for my little brother Richard ever in his lifetime. I have hear little about anyone taking you in and giving you a another reason to live.
I wanted to take time to say thank you Richard for being my brother, and I loved you so much, and I wander why I was not able to see past my problems and look up for the blueness above your head. I have a capture moment in time, a picture that we took together in the state of Washington. I was so happy when Richard was able to be founded in Tucson for me, and he came to live with me in my married state in Washington. He was the nanny for a period, and he was the first uncle to keep his loving arms around my son for the first year and a half of his life.
I forgot that he was the last one out of my mothers bag of life that was created between the union of Aleane and Walter Bailey. Now that I think about it more, the signs were there, just not able to see them. It took me too long to information highway, and I was shocked at my brothers appearance. I missed his third decade of life, and I forgot the mile markers that came when he was thirty-four. My mothers lifetime was only thirty four years, I and I always thought of how we had outlived her life time. Now the record has been set, her youngest child, came back first. Just like I may have thought would happen some where in the back of my mind. I wanted to take a little more time to find my head, and write the palms that I created during the time of change in March.
I learned that March 18, was the day of rebirth, and I would like to believe that is why I can recreate myself again and again. The fact is I believe in so many things that normal people that are surround me never go there. I want to be there. I just wish I could read the signs better, or more accuracy . Oh well I am so thankful for the things that I have and the people that are close to me. Richard I want to thank you for being the kind of person to live alone without family and live as long as you did. I am so thankful for the time that I did have with you. I know it was not enough, and I was still stuck on me, and that has not chance that much, wishes that did not come true and your part in it. I was in the mind set that you were better off, for a dim thought about you. I was so set in the rediscovery of me, that I forgot what you were to me. My baby and I forgot about you. You need chance your birth order during you life, you just get older. I was doing a lot of think about my position, and never yours in our birth order. Regret is what you are left with, and the sadness because there is no time to do a redo, or a chance to get it right, and I miss Richard so much, now that he can not come back. How many other people in this family stopped to think about life without Richard Bailey in it at all.
I am so sorry, because the story that was true for me was also true for you. I never looked at the story, ARE YOU MY MOTHER FROM RICHARD'S POINT OF VIEW.,.I talked about it to the groups at the Veterans Center that I go to. But I did not looked at the 11 that we had in common. My bad Richard. I saw you in the 11 at the gas stations, I saw you at the 4 and the 5 numbers meant so much to me because of our mother, and the five meant five kids, and 5 months, and you were suppose to have 5 decades at least, all I need to do was call around for you like I did last time. I am so sorry that the goggle thing was not a thing that I thought about at all. I do not know why I was not head on the head Richard. I was lead to a Richard and he brought to you to mind so much, and I did not take it any further. Not sure why. That is my mystery for the next period of time that I can focus on it.
If I did little to remember that Richard was my little brother, there are the rest that did nothing except put him down, the phase we did not like or approve of his life style. That was the end of the comments about Richard, was that they did not like his lifestyle. I do not know what that means, and I do not want to hear their point of view of the subject of what that meant in regard to Richard. The bottom line is that nobody cared, and he died alone without friends or family around, and he turned out the light, and laid down and died. Why? Why is the question that we will never know, and it makes me think back to the death of our mother, and where was Richard at 11 months old, nobody to ask but Dad.
Now the question is when to ask that question and all the rest that I need answers to for the health and welfare and also the peace of mind for me, and maybe I can recap later for the others. I wonder how come the stories that I heard from the bottom of the birth order members their point of view, and it was a little sad that the stories did not match.
